Skyfall (2012 United Kingdom)

bond3(This may be the post that I go full retard, but its worth it!) Bond doesn’t even blink when the girl he just bedded gets shot in cold blood. He acknowledges Severine is an abused sex slave, then he jumps into the shower. I had little problem with Bond tricking a woman into bed in the past. But the Skyfall scene should land him on the list of registered sex-offenders. There are a lot of questions in this review, and like Hillary Clinton, I can’t answer any of them.

Is 007 a man or a what? One minute he can’t shoot…10 seconds later he shoots everyone in a 360 arc. So what happened? Oh, we are just abandoning that theme mid- scene. Quite a few instances of Bond just standing in front of a landscape shot with his legs apart ‘being deep’. I thought he was urinating at first. The irony of the ‘can Bond operate in an internet world’ theme…he failed twice and got M killed…so he can’t!? Why was a hacker in a cell controlled by a computer? Why is Q so stupid she plugged in the laptop to the building? Why was the trap door on the inside of the first glass door? why was there a trap door?

How did Silva evade an armed MI6 guard 20 meters from his cell? Why couldn’t Silva just hack the list? Oh, because it isn’t connected to the internet you say…but the MI6 heating system is? Super calculating (hack crazy) Silva’s plan at the end was a firefight? With a backup plan of another firefight? Bond’s betrayal is M ordering Naomi to take a risky shot. Bond later tells M he heard the order… why didn’t he get out the way then? He just kept fighting like an idiot and why did Naomi only have 1 bullet? Was she helping the bad guy? How did Bond even survive such a drop? How did he end up in the arms of a beautiful woman on a beach? Did I faint and miss something as 007 plunged down a 100 foot waterfall?

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What is the list doing in Turkey? On a laptop hard drive? Why are only 2-3 agents on the case? They couldn’t even have the gumption of making something up for the audience. The Komodo Dragon Killing: no need for an Attenborough lecture, this is about as convincing as Tom Cruise’s heterosexuality. The script makes no sense, the themes are inappropriate, Bond’s character and decision – making has been altered and they have confused ‘mature’ with ‘dinosaur’. Now the turn around in this review. What do I like about Skyfall? It felt as if Angela Merkel had written the screenplay. Then there is the ace cinematography: the grey and drizzly London locations did make for a nice British atmosphere.

Barbara Broccoli has revitalized the spy genre by taking us inside Bond’s tortured psyche: she has killed off the old male chauvinist, carefree Bond that lasted for 45 years. Now 007 cares about women’s feelings. The young dolly birds are more likely to dump him. Now we get a Bad Guy who would rather take Bond to bed than to the undertaker. Our hero, who can barely be bothered shaving, doesn’t seem to mind being felt up by a dude either. This Bond villain looks more like a peddler of 70’s gay porn. What other virtues are here for the Twilight crowd?  Instead of smoking ciggies and not giving a toss about the ozone layer, 007 is now a fully fledged eco-warrior who turns up for every Greenpeace march.

Oh, and I forgot to mention I loved the way Bond got his boss killed. Judi Dench was awful in the role from day one. And it had nothing to do with her age. She has a face like vinegar. I loved 007’s plan to use M as bait by taking her to a completely isolated manor house with hardly any firepower available, whilst inviting the baddies to come and get them – which they do with more men and more firepower than Bond thought to bring along. Not surprisingly, Bond’s daft ‘plan’ results in one dead boss. I hope her replacement, Ralph Fiennes, will grace future Bond escapades in his full SS uniform. I almost cheered when the new Moneypenny, Naomi, gave our hero a damned good shagging too. It was racist not to give a black character a permanent role over the previous 50 years. And did I mention Bond is now an alcoholic?

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Comments

  1. Hilarious review! Couldn’t agree more! XD

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Glad you liked one of my more insane posts, lol.

    Like

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