SELF INTERVIEW 3 (Not Again!)

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Tell the voyeurs (sorry, readers 🙂 ) about a surprising question from the lady in Kazakhstan  You mean Farida? It was in my spam, naturally. She was a forty year old mother of three. Anyway, she discovered her hubby had been secretly filming her in the bathroom and sharing it online. She asked me what she should do about it.

She must have mistaken you for an agony aunt.  Well, if my aunty had a pair of balls she’d be my uncle so…any port in a storm when you are desperate I suppose. I am more your uncle in agony.

Did you try to help her? Of course. I typed “Dear Exhausted of Kurdistan, you have an R18, adult-only, oily, offensive, spousally abusing, pornographic prince of a husband. Tell him to clean up his act or you’ll book him a one way ticket on the next US gay-ship cruising for Guantanamo Bay.

She did not care for your advice? Talk about ungrateful. She moaned that he was her soul mate. So I replied “fine, then tell him he will feel the heel of my soul, mate”. The cow never responded to this wisdom. I’ll never know how that little drama played out. Btw, her name means number two in Urdu. We’ll say no more.

You got the wrong country.  She got the wrong person.

blindcornercg04tn   (I am a lady, darling. I could never do that in public.)

What about the young American man who was hiding a secret  He was on the verge of taking his college exams and wanted to know should he ‘come out of the closet’ to his family and friends. I urged him to do so, forthwith.

Yes. But you urged him to do so twice  His community would not be able to take it all in the first time. Let it marinate in their minds for a while. Then do it again. If his parents etc thought it was all a dream the first time around, then a second lap around the same track should convince them it is for real– and there is no waking up from this nightmare.

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Oooh, you teasing bitch! Tell us about your June 2013 divorce?  My soon to be X rated wife cried out to the judge:  “Was I married to a man or a wardrobe? He’s so ******* vain, your honour!” Meanwhile the clerk of the court kept pulling down my arm every time I tried to gain His Excellency’s attention.

You lost, big time. And have been impoverished ever since. Why were/are you such a loser?  Well, its hard to achieve anything when one has to spend so much time on one’s knees. I can assure you the meek do not inherit much of this earth. Those who say ‘better a day on your feet as a lion, than a life time on your knees as a sheep’ ought to change places with me.

$T2eC16NHJHQE9nzE)jV,BRMqZ!D+1!~~60_35The judge had the best line in the proceedings though, didn’t he?  He bellowed at yours truly: “Well, are you going to get up or are you starting to like it down there?” He reminded me of wifey. She liked to comment on some of my bedroom ‘doings.’ At least I never used to scream “Hit the top!” for all the neighbours to hear.

You cad. There were thirty three of you in that courtroom, thoughts?   It was never going to work. There were too many of us in that divorce. Yes, it was a little crowded. (sheepish smile with cow-eyed glance to camera)

People like to humiliate or degrade you, agree?  A week ago in the library, I was called a “miserable old bag” by a group of teenagers. I’d ducked in there to get out of the rain. I had just completed a tour of duty. S H O P P I N G.

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But you were wearing that headscarf. Red flag?  Why do I need adolescent approval for how I look? The polka dot headscarf was in order to keep my precious hair dry. Although teens love to judge their elders (and betters). They pick on any weakness and wound.

Did you retaliate?  I told them to “please get it right. I am a miserable middle-aged bag. There’s still some life left in this old horse.”

Pity you had to say this with both hands on your hips.  (Sigh) I had to place my shopping bags on the carpet in order for this B A G to state his case.

It seems the world is drowning in bags. Human and plastic.  That’s what they say. Look, please stop bullying me by dwelling on my frailties.

the_zuck_stops_here         (You were lucky, girl. I had to learn about it from under Miss Oates.)

You were just twirling around the room for 20 minutes . Can you tell us what songs were playing? OK, now don’t laugh but “Fanny” (oh, stop it!) by the Bee Gees was one. “Woman In Love” Barbra Streisand another, we must also thank the Bee Gees for that as well. Such fragile delicate melody/chord changes.”Sunny” by Bobbie Hebb. Very haunting. Then there’s one of Dolly Parton’s greatest hits: “Here You Come Again.” And no, I didn’t.

You go back and alter certain posts later. Why? Looking back at old posts can be revealing. I found 15 grammatical errors on The House. Other times I change an image or certain view points. I may not like the throwaway comments I left under a picture. Then there are some reviews that were rushed, so part of the text is replaced later with what I hope are improvements. Only some posts though.

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And you’ve been extremely rude with The Last of Sheila.  Extremely. Not with words. But that really was the last anyone will ever hear of Sheila. I finished her off with extreme prejudice.

Music reviews seem to have fallen away with you  I was spreading myself too thin. I defy anyone to keep coming up with new ways to describe one song after the other. After you’ve done it sixty times you are liable to repeat certain phrases.

Film reviews are the easiest for you?   Definitely. Whereas book reviews can be quite tough. Something visual or auditory being played for you is somehow easier to sum up. Reading an entire novel can be a messy experience. If you don’t take notes, (and I don’t) you may have to rely on an unreliable set of memories.

You adore ‘cosy’ stuff the most don’t you?  Define cosy. One example would be The Dunwich Horror (1970), so colourful and visually arresting. They took a Lovecraft story and made it better. Visually pretty (like Sandra Dee). Quatermass And The Pit (1967) is the British equivalent, brightly lit, nice colours, credible storyline despite the endless dialogue, plus that indefinable atmosphere that is completely absent today. Not to mention a woman (Barbara Shelley) transmitting in all her technicolour glory.

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You have highteadreams when you look at Barbara Shelley and Sandra Dee?  Yes! They are the dream in my high tea. I like to stick my middle-aged spoon into their warm, rich, creamy froth, then stir well. Plenty of tissues on hand to mop up those pearl necklaces around the old cake hole. I have dreamt of being trapped in Barbara Shelley’s knickers. Helpless and alone in that maze. (shudder) In another ‘vision’ Sandra Dee placed her pink panties on my head. It was supposed to be symbolic. A coronation in another dimension. I felt like the Queen: “you can all rise to attention now.”

I hope no children are reading this. You have a filthy mind. This is supposed to be an R17 blog anyway, so they have no business being here. What I mean by a highteadream is when I’m flying over a nation’s underpasses with all of the other luminous numinous fairies. Dreaming dreaming DREAMING all the way !

Why do you type certain words deliberately wrong before you hit the publish and be damned button?  Like spelling evre instead of ever? Sometimes there are more typos in the finished post than in the draft. Dunno really. To keep me on my tippy toes. I like to come down hard on myself later, while proof reading.

Are you a jealous guy? (Shakes head, mouths ‘no’)

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Poor old, I mean middle-aged, mister Half Truth Agony Uncle Geoff eh?  Some people say I look so weakly these days. I tell them, I’m not even weekly anymore. More like fortnightly. Why tell a lie… I look Monthly.

Then who or what are you? Be succinct please.   Succulent. Tender. Roasting. Golden. I always end up slipping down a million human throats…

You are thinking of last night’s chicken dinner again.  Oh yeah. Yummy!

Mantra for the day?  “Loose lips sink ships”.

Is that a reference to Farida’s husband?  As we speak he is going down on those Yankee sailors.

Inspirational image for the day?  That’s easy. Two round cheeks.

We are out of time  Oh!…bum

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Comments

  1. Bwahaha hilarious stuff! I love your self-interviews, I hope more are to follow! XD

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Glad you liked it, my dear. Nice to know someone had a laugh. I have a lot of fun doing them, lol.

    Like

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